Posted in personal, Uncategorized

April 24 • “To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet”

I should be using this precious time more wisely, but I can’t slow my mind down long enough to study anyway. It is crunch time for finals and I am feeling suffocated under deadlines and to do lists.

All I can think about is this tiny shadowed plot of grass back home where I would hideaway for hours thinking and reading.

Today in class, we began analyzing “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock,” by T. S. Eliot. Much to my teacher’s surprise, the majority of us had never heard of it before. We aren’t even halfway through and I am captivated by it.

This surprises me as I have not enjoyed the Modern/Post Modernism works so far. I love digging in and interpreting poetry, but this has all been so random or completely depressing. I would rather have delved into the Romantic period longer…

Anyway, in today’s piece, one line stuck out to me so much that I kept blinking to see if it was a different font or had been put in bold. (In this case, I will bold it.)

“And indeed there will be time

For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,

Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;

There will be time, there will be time

To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet; 

There will be time to murder and create, And time for all the works and days of hangs

That lift and drop a question on your plate;

Time for you and time for me,

And time yet for a hundred indecisions,

And for a hundred visions and revisions,

Before taking of a toast and tea.”

Well, I was going to stop after maybe four lines, but the stanza just wouldn’t let me. The line “To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet” startled me when I considered it. First off, I visualized a roomful of masks showing different emotions. I began thinking about how I have a different “face” with my parents, teachers, friends, etc. . . This made me wonder if I, or anyone, had ever been completely themselves. I mean 100% vulnerable, honest, entirely themselves.

I really don’t think that I have. I keep a firm hold on my emotions, more so than my peers I realize. In any conversation, when I am being personal and honest, there are still elements and feelings that I guard from judgement. I don’t know.

When I answer the phone I use a different voice. My language is more rigid and refined when conversing with professors. If I am around someone of importance, I be sure to act in a mannerly way to ensure that their first impression of me is good.

Then I thought about my friends that I talk to daily. Just yesterday, a close friend told me that one of our newer friends acted completely different when I wasn’t there. This didn’t bother me, but now I am wondering why there was a difference. What face do they have to put on in order to talk to me?

Who knows…I guess more than anything, I needed to take a minute to WP it out before I get back to work. T. S. Eliot, I applaud you for the great line that sent me into immense questioning.

I hope that you are doing well!

Thanks for reading the rambles.

-Kendall

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Posted in personal

April 13 • This one’s on me, right?

Today has been a dark and moody day. Of course, I have loved the random flashes of lightning and roars of thunder, but I have seemingly infinite numbers of deadlines hanging over me. It is that time of the semester when all assignments are due at the exact same moment and finals are breathing down my neck.

My recent gatherings with friends have consisted of nothing but tales of woe about conflicting schedules, lack of sleep, and dependence on coffee. I do not like to be addicted to coffee, but it is the only pick me up I have going on right now.

I haven’t truly been able to journal. By this, I mean I haven’t either had the time or “felt” like writing. It scares me a little because it has been my favorite thing to do for the past couple of years. The past three months have consisted of sleepy scribbles making a note to write the next day and I hate that cycle.

There are family issues as well. In all honesty, since I have been wrapped up in my own world even more now that I have moved to college, I haven’t been kept in the loop of family affairs. As cold as this sounds, I prefer it this way.

*Side note…I struggle with this thing pretty much every day. I feel like everyone around me is able to love others so easily and I just don’t feel that way. Yes, I care for people, but I can’t freely love everyone…right? Now, this issue is permeating my thoughts toward family members. How well do we know anyone? I would google this, but I don’t want to freak myself out.*

I spoke with my mother last night and she told me of something huge happening that is revolving around my family. By huge, I mean it made the news and is being held across several counties. While other family members are apart of it, I want nothing more than to move away and find complete solitude. It’s just too much and by it I mean everything. This situation is not the driving factor for this…wish? (More like a feeling that I need to get away.)

I just feel like this. This is what I feel like all of the time. It makes me feel “other” like, but not in the good unique way. Actually, not in a bad way either. I can’t understand why people think it is strange when I voice this feeling. It just is. So now, I don’t voice it. I go through the motions and appreciate what I enjoy.

Anyway, I felt validated tonight and it has lifted me up since the news. A friend, that I met a few months ago, has been having trouble with a certain friendship. Long story short, she puts so much effort into relationships but receives nothing in turn. All she wanted was a clear signal that the friendship was important and that it would last. (My advice is never helpful as I am…direct? I don’t like wondering and feeling things out. I just ask and would like to be asked in return. Overanalyzers, I am coming for you.)

Of course, being the conceited human that I am, I couldn’t help wondering throughout her thinking aloud if I meant anything to her. (Ironic) Then I felt a prick of panic. What if I don’t have any meaningful friendships as my pattern is to become uncomfortable when they got too close. I like close friendships, but with distance. I need space. Eventually, with all sincerity, she told me that she wished that I wouldn’t go back to my building. That felt nice. I don’t often feel wanted like that…(which is probably on me…let’s be real). As I listened to her concern for her friendship, she then wished aloud that said friend would hang around us. She felt that we would be friends for life and that she had no problem trusting me.

I felt warm and like I wanted to hug her. I would have, but. Naturally, I agreed with her. I feel this way too. I mean, I want to be friends for a long time. Finding a kinship like I have with her feels rare. On the other hand, I am practical…(too much so, maybe) Who the heck knows where I will be down the road?

As I write all of this, I feel the spotlights reflecting off of the people in my life and back in my eyes. I don’t know if I have issues, but I probably have some sort of issue.

Thanks for reading.

-Kendall

Posted in personal

April 3 • a little catching up

Hello, friends! It has been a month since I last posted on WP. Funny how fast time passes by…okay, it’s terrifying. Because of this, I have tried to appreciate each day as it comes!

Last week was my Spring Break ☺ I know what you’re thinking and yes I did go to the beach with loads of people and commit murder in a drunken state…wait. Yeah, that wasn’t me.

Actually, I spent the week at my home and loved each and every moment of it. For starters, I got to be out in nature roaming about with the dogs each day. That in and of itself is perfection to me. I got to have meals with my family and talk in person which was nice.

On top of all of that goodness, I went and toured my new workplace! Yes! My wonderful advisor at Uni. helped me to find an amazing internship that will provide writing experience and is close to home. While I am choosing not to name the business, I can say that it is a tiny, local newspaper with a small and close-knit staff. (Guys, it is directly across the street from the library that I grew up going to…*tears of joy*)

To conclude, Spring Break 2019 was exactly what I needed. I got to enjoy my time, read, and lounge around without deadlines swirling about my brain. Well, I had assignments, but not quite as many.

*Knock on wood* This year has been one of my favorites so far. Just these first few months have introduced me to a plethora of new experiences.

Now, I am back to work at college. I cannot believe that I only have a month left of this semester. I just moved in and got started! Ach. Well, what can you do other than enjoy it? ☺

That’s all for my tiny update. I sincerely hope that you are well and happy. Hopefully, I can spend the better part of tomorrow evening catching up on your blogs. ☺

Thanks for reading.

-Kendall

 

Posted in English/Writing/Literature, Uncategorized

March 2 • Confident or Arrogant

Hello friends,

Thanks for the likes on my last post. I didn’t know how I felt about the continuation of the AK updates, but I enjoy setting the goals for myself.

I wanted to bring something up that I have written about several times in my school work lately. As an English/Pro. Writing major, I obviously spend a good bit of my time reading, reflecting, writing, etc. . . Based on feedback from teachers/professors, classmates, and my own feels about my work, I believe that I am a decent writer. I am always looking to improve, though. I am a genuine nerd who loves learning, so I am probably a little too eager to receive feedback whether it be positive or negative.

Recently, within the past year or so, I have been shocked during conversation when peers would casually say phrases like, “I know that I am a great writer” or “Writing is easy for me.” Upon hearing this, I am immediately taken aback at these words. My mind starts reeling with questions like Are they really that good or What would they do if they were put on the spot. I can easily assure you that these ponderings do not come from a place of defense. I genuinely wonder how the person ‘knows’ that they are great at writing.

When discussing this with my friend, I gave the example of how I played classical piano for five years. At the same time, a peer of mine began learning one song from YouTube. We were together one day when a teacher asked if I played. I had always felt shy to answer as I knew that I was not skilled enough to plop down on the spot and play a breathtaking piece. Before I could give any detail, my peer jumped in saying that she played too. I remember feeling almost horrified. (I was afraid that she would be embarrassed.) It felt as if she were claiming grand qualifications far beyond what both of us were capable of performing.

Hopefully, that example made my relation more understandable. The overall question that I want to hear opinions on is, Do proclamations like these make people seem confident or arrogant?

It is one thing if someone has been improving their skill for years to say that they are good writers… even then, though, I would not be able to say that I am good. Maybe it all boils down to upbringing???

There seem to be an endless amount of angles to come at the question from, so who knows. Personally, the peers that have said it around me strike me as a little arrogant. I can’t help but feel that we are far too inexperienced… OR should anyone be allowed to label themselves in any which way that they like? Maybe it doesn’t really matter… I have had it on my mind for about a month, so it obviously means something to me.

Anywho, I hope that you comment your opinion down below. I plan to ask a couple of professors their opinions in the upcoming week. If I receive feedback, I may update it onto this post. We shall see.

Have a good weekend!

Thanks for reading.

-Kendall

Posted in bookish, Uncategorized

March 1 • Anna Karenina Part 4 (Spoilers)

Hello everyone! Alright, just to set the record straight I finished this fairly short part about a week ago, but have procrastinated writing my review up until tonight. Procrastination, ruts, and small emotional calamities have plagued this week and I am glad that it is behind me. I spent my afternoon actually going to the gym, organizing my laundry and room, and meeting my friends at the campus movie night for The Breakfast Club. Laughs. Tears. Chocolate. Pizza. Needless to say, I feel a lot better.

~~~~~~~

Part Four may have been the darkest part yet… Of course, I believe that I have said that about each and every part.

Throughout Part four, our focus stays with the Karenins the majority of the time. While Alexei Alexandrovich is still very much about upholding his reputation, he tries his best to be seen close by Anna at every chance possible.

Meanwhile, Vronksy is off cavorting with ‘strange’ women and noticing the similarities between himself and disrespectful foreigners. Once he returns to the Karenin household, Vronksy so subtly is disappointed by Anna’s moodiness and…weight gain. Also, it should be noted that Anna had one heck of a creepy dream in which an old man tells her that she will die in childbirth. Nonsense!

Karenin, Anna’s husband, is angered that the lovers are still meeting and runs straight toward divorce court to get any information possible. To be fair, Dolly tries to argue Karenin from hasty decision making with the justification that Anna will be ruined forever, but he claims there is nothing that can be done.

In the midst of all of the Karenin’s drama, we visit our good pal Levin and witness his and Kitty’s reconciliation and engagement! ☺

While away on business, after being passed over for a job, Karenin receives news that Anna delivered a baby girl, but that she is gravely ill with an unknown fever. At her side, she begs Karenin to forgive Vronksy and he does while also informing him that the marriage would never end.

Vronksy shoots himself in the chest but is not mortally wounded. He makes sure to relate that it was merely an accident and to not speak of it.

Karenin has forgiven Anna, or so we think. Before anyone can get settled Anna voices that she cannot stand him. Rather than choosing to ruin her reputation, he decides to take the disgrace of adultery in his name and part ways.

Anna and Vronsky then take a trip overseas.

~~~~~~

Wow, I just want to take a second and observe how each character’s intentions and decisions flip flop with the wind. Really, this screams of immaturity, but I have to take a step back and look at the situations in context of time periods and gender roles. (See Anna’s rights during conversations about divorce.)

It is interesting to note both Karenin and Levin’s sudden changes of the heart toward the women in their lives. Both were held back by anger and hard-heartedness, but it seemed to melt in the instance that they both felt that they had lost their loved ones. I guess that’s where we get the sayings along the lines of “you don’t know what you have until its gone.”

Also, Anna’s creepy dream… not only was it creepy because she saw an old scraggly man in her bedroom seeming to talk to himself, but Vronsky had the same exact dream. Weird, isn’t it?

~~~~~

Hey there, I realize that I have not been analyzing this book super in depth, but I really don’t want to…simple as that. These little updates are more for my own motivation to get through this sucker. Hopefully, you understand. ☺

Have a fantastic weekend!

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in bookish, Uncategorized

February 17 • The Snow Child by Eowyn Ivey • Book Review (spoilers)

Hello, everyone! I hope that you are well and writing. My mornings have consisted of your lovely blog catchups and snatched minutes from the snooze button. It has been pretty great. ☺ As always, I am looking for more blog recommendations!

Just recently, I finished The Snow Child, by Eowyn Ivey. It was a surprisingly quick read and one chock full of topics for discussion. Before I jump into the good stuff, here is a short summary.

The Snow Child focuses on a middle-aged couple, Jack and Mabel, who are struggling to survive in remote Alaska alongside their personal baggage of inability to bear children. One evening, a year into their new homestead, the first snow of Winter brings youth to the pair and they play in the cold for hours. Before returning to their cozy cabin, they form a small child complete with mittens and a hat in the snow. That night, Jack notices a figure swiftly running through the trees. Keeping it to himself, he believes that the ‘problem’ is in his own mind. The next day, Mabel can’t help but see the lack of snow figure and strange footprints surrounding their cabin. Could something from the pages of a storybook come into their lives? Or is it a spirit far more dangerous?

Alright! First, I want to go over the greatest elements of this book. Anyone who knows me could easily understand why I was initially drawn to this story. All that I need, to be intrigued, is Winter, forests, and a dose of fantasy. This book delivers all three elements being set in Alaska during the 1920s…oh yeah, and the strange snow child…thing. Ivey was wise to incorporate this setting as it is the easiest, in my opinion, to incorporate feelings of unease and stifling isolation. Of course, it probably made sense to her as she was raised in Alaska.

The ‘magic’ in this book is frustrating, to be honest. While, as the reader, we can come to terms with the ending of the book, it is never 100% clear as to how the magic was formed or worked. Now that I say that, it admittedly works in the stories favor. We weren’t supposed to fully understand…Jack and Mabel didn’t either. They just had to carry a stiff upper lip and accept the circumstances.

As far as the characters go, I enjoyed Jack the most. His stoic, tough it out, demeanor reminded me of Matthew Cuthbert. I felt fear when reading through his perspective, as he tried to comprehend what was happening on the farm and to his wife. Mabel, on the other hand, made me feel unsettled throughout the entirety of the book. That’s not to say that she is unlikable… I just didn’t feel as if I could ever relax around her. Then, there was the phantom-like Faina. When she was a child, as she is throughout the majority of the book, I felt the same type of hesitation that Jack did toward her. Once she began to mature, I sort of lost interest in her. This was intentional because as she began maturing and growing older with the couple, the mystery and unearthliness around her became mundane.

Really, I have no interest in exploring the other family’s characters. I am glad that they brought companionship to Jack and Mabel, but when they were in the picture, I felt embarrassed and like I was hosting a pack of hillbillies. Once they entered the story, it took a turn that I was not too big a fan of.

Daily I quote Merida in saying, “I want my freedom.” I am tired, in the heavy sigh and lie down, way of books controlling the wild spirited females. I get it. Yeah…I understand why they are written. I would love for one story to not fall back on the trope, though. As can be imagined, after Faina is roped in, her health begins to fade until….woooshhh. She is gone! This ties the magical element back into the story quite nicely!

To wrap it up, this story is fire…until a little over halfway through. I would recommend this book to readers that enjoy The Bear and the Nightingale or To the Bright Edge of the World. Hmmm, I feel as if I should clarify more.

If The Bear and the Nightingale is a 1…..To the Bright Edge of the World is a 4…..The Snow Child is a 7 or an 8.

I hope you enjoyed this whirlwind of a review! Honestly, I wouldn’t mind analyzing this book and its characters more in-depth than this post. If you have read this book, or have any recommendations, please comment down below.

Thanks for reading.

-Kendall

Posted in art, personal, Uncategorized

February 12 • a theme of preferences

Hello, my dear friends and welcome new readers!

 Styles, themes, preferences, and patterns have always caught my eye! I am always asking my friends whether they like “this” or “this.” Whether it is sheer nosiness or something else, I am not sure, but I love talking about it!

My close friend and I often talk about our preferences. She says that we are different shades of the same color! Where she enjoys plaids with reds, blacks, and other bright colors, I like clean, solids, and more neutral colors. When we go book shopping, she is always drawn to the redder ominous covers, while I am drawn to light blues and earth-toned colors. (♥)

Even in my writing assignments, I have noticed that I have written about a winter setting with fantasy influences more than once. I had never thought of myself as having “types,” until I opened up my neglected Pinterest account and was surprised at what I found.

 

(The engagement ring in the upper right hand of the picture is to die for. I don’t want to get married anytime in the near future…but I need that ring!)

 

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As if I hadn’t made my interest clear enough, I would LOVE to hear about your set styles and preferences. Make your own post or write a comment about it!

Thanks for reading.

-Kendall